Yeah i know i have a large no of symptoms of mental issues. I am recovering from drug abuse and i dont know how worse it will become. But its time i should stop relying on drugs to live. It just doesnt make sense. Oveerall my mental health is in a worse stage because i now have no proper way to communicate with the outereworld and i dont believe it will get better by me creating a dependency with a group and thinking doing services for n years will make me better.. man i am 9 years on and over that group and the only time i feel better was when that guy has agreed to give me lots of money for a very little amount of work. and thats what my mental addiction is all about its because of this craving that i am not good enough and i will never be able to live good or that world is not a safe place for me.
I had tried a lot of therapy and see it works but none of them are able to cure me. i am stil gettign periods of extreme foggynes disconnection detachement and a 2d lifestyle which i ultimately feel like i dont exist anymore.i can alsosense that during those times many parts of my brain are shut down like not present. i feel so sad for myself because of that you know because some moment we think we found the issue to problem so that we can finally relax but then the next issue arise and you get unknowm whats going to happpen.
my whole life was destroyed by these uncertainity of whats going to happen next.While most of the peoples dont have parts in brain that shit down from time to time but i had..its making my life worse, worser than ever.my only hope was my hindu traditions of putity and stuff but that too sometimes challenged by my addiciton tio porn. i really dont like that but i watch it to seek something beyond my imaginaiton.. as i had no access to anything else i feel like its ok the seek this.but i can say that i really dont feel the conection or attraction to porn like some weeks before and i dont know what happened some scenes that appear to make me obsesed for 1-3 days are now some normal videos.
something is happening because somethng i am doing is correct. may be the new prayers or the alignment to group and diconnection from other group.one thing that strikingly hit me was when that guy told me this guy dont understand wht i am saying.and just remmember he doesnt even from the start but he keeps on talking because of his needyness and all.but now he is ok and he doesnt want someone like me..siimple as that.. and i need to break away from that because i dont want chritianity not jesus not yesu not anything i dont like any of that stuff. this group is ultra dangerous but i am afraid that this groups loss can sometimes make me lost in my life because some way of life inside this groups has shaped my brain to not feelanything in between the chaos. but see what i believe they did was though stiopping not thought addressing. thought stopping is very intense that neve getting distracted with lifesissues and the other thing that guy told me that made me sad was he told about how they have a way of talking to their groups and they do that with everyone else..thats also tue i believe because thats whats happening as well. there is no empathy or anything fromtheir sidde.